Life story of an urban soul

okay dokey

2005-07-27T12:51:00.000+08:00

Alright my weight loss programme continues..not too bad, so far I did show some progress and so thankful I have the discipline to do it again, those girls in the dance school are horrendously amazingly slim and Cher and Fel my uni buddies once told me I was eating virtually nothing, but these gals..they eat NOTHING..unbelievable..
Anyway aside from that point, dad's coming..so well cool I get to see him for like one week? sounds kinda pathetic erh..
Anyway, I promised myself I will hit my ideal weight which sounds incredulous to many so I shan't reveal the number..by 19th september, special occasion to me so well all the best to me and those trying to look trim and slim as well

weight loss programme

2005-07-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

After months of pigging and eating, I have decided to start with more my very own motivational lines to get me back into a decent shape!! Somethings what I should have already started on but procrastinated time and time again.. I think many reading this will find it pro-anorexia and offensive but that's just me against the battle of buldges!! So please do not be judgemental...The reasons may sound all so superficial and unintelligent but well guess what I don't care!

12 Reasons to lose weight
• People will remember you as the 'beautiful slim one.'
• If someone has to describe you, they'll say, 'oh, she weighs like 100, 110 lbs.'
• The models that everyone claim are beautiful, the spitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? ... NO....
• Anyone can have 'inner beauty,' but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
• If you slap a fat person, you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. That's disgusting.
• Do you want people to say, 'For god's sake get off of me, you're crushing me; I can't breathe!' or 'You are soo light.' ????
• Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
• Only slim people are graceful.
• Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away.
• If you eat, you'll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer.
• Underweight, a.k.a. perfect body.
• Ballerina? Or beanbag?

Okay end of story. Period. Enough said and actions speak louder then words, I declare my weight loss programme launched!

NERD??

2005-07-09T20:04:00.000+08:00

Having so much time and not wanting to do anything but pig out, here is something to ponder over, tell me how true that is!!

PAris

2005-07-09T18:07:00.000+08:00

My meticulous efforts finally paid off after countless frustrating experiences clearing up the potty after Paris and well she is toilet trained!! OMG..the sense of satisfaction is beyond description..
Along this way, I have probably lost count of how many times I lost my temper at her, yelled and swore vulgarities. Hahaha don't get me to the SPCA!!
Anyway..things are great at the moment, guys hope you are all fine in UK and stay safe!

ALma Mata

2005-07-06T20:28:00.000+08:00

Resigned my job at the French bristo cafe, instead, I decided to take up relief teaching at high school. Was offered a job at my best friend's alma mata. Today was the first day after a short getaway vacation I had. Well the students were restless, questioning my age, my qualifications, my race?!?! and my ethinicity. Some asked if I was korean because they said I didn't have a typical asian nose and most koreans go for nose job to attain that perfect western nose!! First things first, I don't have the so called perfect western nose, in fact way from it, second of all do I even look korean!
Then some called me a jap chic? Excuse me..U called your own tutor a chic? I stared at that guy ludicrously..
And while I was going through the digestive system with the high school kids, someone put forward the suggestion for me to skip 4 chapters ahead to do the sexual reproduction in mammals. Trying to maintain my composure, I cracked a joke at the notorious kid by telling him how much a perfect candidate he would be to qualify the medical school since he has intense interest in the human anatomy.
Then there were totally irrelevant questions about whether I had a boyfriend, requests for my contact number, e-mail and even lunch and dinner dates..What is the world coming to???? Exasperation ..I just can't seemed to capture the attention of the kids in the right aspect.
Nonetheless, it was indeed an eye opening experience,scrutinising the teaching profession from the point of view a student is completely different from one who is actually engaged in the whole education business.
Will be back with more updates soon..

guy frens

2005-06-26T10:06:00.000+08:00

Frustration sets in when you realised that the silly little gal fails recognise the proper place for her potty business, sad case. I'm referring to Paris. My intellect feels insulted, period.

To take my mind of that, I decided to consider the intellectual men in my life. Not that there ain't any intellectual women in my life but that there are simplay too many and the scarcity of outstanding men I know therefore deserves more mentioning. Jas, you know you are one..To the guys, not an insult or to be taken personally.

First person on the list..my father. Well, a man of principals, high EQ and a generous degree of patience and tolerance exclusively towards me and his work. He professed to be a man of average calibre and attributes his achievements today to sheer hardwork and perserverance. Well, I beg to differ. His intrinsic qualities that I have always admired and wished I had inherited explains for his achievements as a wonderful father and a successful career despite his humble beginnings. He is a man of the greatest importance and strongest influence in my life. A man that earned by respect and admiration.

Second on the list..Shawn. Shared a complicated and unexplainable relationship that spanned across 4 years. Now, my feelings towards him are platonic and maybe neutral. As far as I can say, he is intelligent. A medical student on the Dean's list of imperial college, good looking part-time model, an affluent family background and a sensitive yet passionate soulmate. Someone whom I could never guess what was on his mind and someone with a charismatic disposition. Although I hate to admit this, he is the one who almost always able to speculate my thoughts.

Third is Michael. Believe it or not, this guy tried to befriend me with the dodgy opening line," Did that man just walk out of the ladies?". Setting: Beijing, China at the entrance of some public toilet. Well, it is difficult to explain what and who I am to him but more difficult to understand who and what he is to me. Close distant friends is the best description I can think of about us. I am not playing with oxymorons here, not some Jane Austen literature but I think that's the best possible.. Also academically inclined, but what struck me most is his sense of maturity towards family values, morals, money matters and personal well-being. Of course no mean are without fallacies. There is the child-like side of him and caustic humour once in a while and cracking lame maybe a little adult-rated jokes.

Fourth on the list is Jason, a Thai-Aussie guy with large brown eyes and flawless skin. Well what can I say of Jason, he's quiet, reserved ad definitely a scholar. Intricate thoughts and extremely attentive even towards the most seemingly insignificant details. Part of him reminds me of Brian which I will mention next. He enjoys aviation and nature, soneone rather idealistic in thoughts but pragmatic in actions. A man of few words but possess extraordinary language skills and the most extensive vocabulary I have ever known of, which makes him a fantastic law student. By the way, he reminds me of a walking dictionary.

Brian, beling last on the list does not mean you are the least intelligent of all but its simply of conicidence. Hahaah i'm sure you wouldnt' mind would you? Well well, great glorious californian sun and beaches,reminds me of the wonderful childhood we had together. I don't know if 3 years and still counting time in grey bleak London has made any impact on his sunshine personality but definitely not diminished his passion for life, for happiness and for his loved ones. He does not like to be associated with academic life but for one sure thing, he is a nerd, a cool one too.I mean how can anyone in a law school not be one, lol..

Anyway, this post has been a long one, wasted so much time on it wondering if anyone actually has the patience to read till this line. Well that's about it for now, be back when more thoughts start flooding in....

Anyway

More updates

2005-06-25T18:25:00.000+08:00

If there isn't anything to do on a warm lazy weekend, here is what I suggest. Sent my 5 months old daughter Paris for professional grooming today while I enjoyed the air conditioning with a nice cup of mocha and a apple crumble to go with. The groomer is a blonde with crop cut and greyish streaks, good looing hunk with a rather admirable bod. I think he is probably a part time trainer or swimmer. That isn't relavant of course. In case anyone is wondering what this insane single mother of 19 is doing by leaving her kid with this guy, Paris is just my pet maltese. Anyway, when I drove her back to the apartment, she was shivering away in my car.I was wondering what had happened but nonetheless, I kept my eyes on the noisy traffic ahead. By the time I parked the car, I realised something white and hard on the leather seat. I took that little thing and scrutinised it. I realised it was a cannine tooth...fantastic, so now this little gal has an adult tooth. Excited as I was, I kept that thing on display at the study table. Maybe I should start my latest hobby, teeth collection..lol

Too bored

2005-06-19T23:29:00.000+08:00

Take the quiz: "Which Starbucks Drink Are You? (Great Pictures)"

Starbucks Cafe Latte
Starbucks Cafe Latte(www.myspace.com/andrew2)

I think this is the result of insomia..many updates about nothing when i can't get to sleep...

Sleeplessness

2005-06-19T22:41:00.000+08:00

Quite unable to fall asleep at the moment, maybe I had too much of a nap this afternoon. When having nothing to do in my hands, I start to contemplate more about my life and my family. I feel very fortunate to have a loving family, a not so conservative one. As a matter of fact, by asian standards, my parents are rebels. I do not deny that in many aspects, they still retain the traditional asian characteristics, however towards my education and upbringing, they have displayed tremendous tolerance and liberty. As a child, my parents were firm but never unreasonable. Ironically, I inherited my father's fiery temper. Over the years with his age and perhaps my growing maturity, his temper has been reduced to nothing more then patience and forgiveness towards my unreasonale wimps and flares. However, his energy and passion towards providing me with the best possible has never subsided. Mom has always been the dutiful and angelic one, never once blew her top in front of me. She once told me that as a child, I was sickly. She was almost frightened by my sudden bouts of fever and cold sores whenever someone in the house raised his voice at me. I have been thoroughly pampered, neither had I been whacked nor reprimanded. To many other parents and family friends, they must have admired my parents for their degree of tolerance towards me. To many of my peers, I was the item of envy. As I grew up, I became increasingly demanding of myself, always asking much more then my parents would expect. From acadmic resultsto grooming my apperance and learning various skills, I tried to be the ideal one, not in anyone standards but my own measuring ruler. Perhaps, that was how I ever sunk into depression and anorexia. I'm not cynical about having once suffered psychological problems, but looking back at the painful past, I detest myself for it. Even until now, it has been half a year since I have very much stabilised, I could never really dissociate from the facts nor the disorders. To be honest, I do feel a little tired but I am still searching the true meaning of my exsistence..

Its a Friday

2005-06-17T08:17:00.000+08:00

Its one Friday again...one week has gone by...another week is awaiting ahead..I have pretty much established a routine for myself and to be honest..there isn't anything much to this mundane lifestyle. A holiday job at a french bristo doesn't seemed to make the earth accelerate its spinning but did help me take some things off my mind. Many moments in life that I wished I could forgo firmly implant themselves in the soil and others that I hoped I could retain seemed to have taken their own escape seeping out of my memory before I realise their subtle disapperance. It is ironic why we choose to remember things that are unpleasant while having difficulties coping and believing in any form of overwhelming happiness as we experienced.
I know it sounds all too early to me mentioning philosophy and rules of life but who are we to control and govern fate. Fate, if anyone does believe its exsistence has been steering us to become who we are, what we are and where we are. Maybe perserverance and determnation can battle fate and change our destiny. But do we all want to do it?

Unfinished business

2005-06-16T20:06:00.000+08:00

I know I have left this totally stagnant that this place has turned into a barren field. Nothing really happened these days. Actually, to many people who know what is going on with my life now, major changes have occured but perhaps in my ardous journey to struggling to escape depression, everything else becomes insignificant, everyone else becomes of none importance. Perhaps it sounds very hurtful to my family and friends who have helped me out of what I have been throughI am saying this because the darkest period of my life made me neglect the people around me and I feel no fear in admitting that that was how I felt when depression crept into my life. I cherish what I have although I am deeply suspicious and uncertain of my approach toward life at this moment. New found life, freedom and plenty of crucial decisions have enclosed me within a state of denial towards my unhappy past. To the person whom lived in my past and still livng in my present, I'm afraid I've steered away from the path I used to follow and I can't apologise for things have turn out this way..

bad bad day

2005-04-23T21:41:00.000+08:00

It is bad..i put on 2.5 kilos and I lost my temper in the car when driving my grandfather to his supposedly b'day celebration..things are never the same when dad isn't ard...so used to the fact that he arranges everything so well, get things organised at the blink of an eye..his meticulous planning, I can never do that..perhaps by his posting overseas, he is providing me with the opportunity to shoulder some household responsibilties that i never had to worry about. In psychology, some guy which i can't rem who written a theory on personality traits... it says the later born in the family which i am tends to dismiss staus quo and it is what they call a born to rebel... striving to excel in regions where the first born has not established a niche....in contrast, first borns tend to follow the niche set out for them...my bro is a first born so is my father..I prob will never be like them..
Now that isn't the pt at all..i shouldn't have lost my temper?? I don't know..

GOsh

2005-04-22T19:38:00.000+08:00

Okay..peeps...i know I have left this damn thing deficient for way too long time to get going again...well recently have been caught up with too many issues..and barely managed to breathe..so glad that I have got things sorted out and hadthe chance for a couple of heart to heart moments with joyce and jas, its good to now there are still many out there for me....and to my parents..sorry if i have disappointed u in anyway, i'm trying my best to be the ideal daughter, thank you for ur tolerance and patience...Dad, i know u won't see this but i am really grateful for your understanding and i wish...
also i guess its time to make some decisions...well for now, my aim is to embrace the future hopefully with confidence that i used to display....so much so that i was called an arrogant pig...

loking back

2005-03-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

Never look behind with a regret..yet there are no mistakes made only lessons learnt..there philosophical phrases do not make any sense in my life...
had a conversation with my close buddies in uni today...was contemplating on creating something new, something more adventurous to life then spending loads of time in the lab and in front of the comp screen typing lab reports...I wonder is that what I reall would want to do....life's tiring..
checked up the opportunities of working or perhaps a change in coure...I was considering enrolling in shatec to complete a 2.5 yrs diploma in hotel management...and upgrade it to a degree in Masacchuttes..
but i ave no idea if i should take such a rishk..or pehpas not..feeling so directionless...I'm really tired out..I think I need a breather...

sighz

2005-02-06T17:26:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been updating my blog...being lazy....so much to do..and too little time.. haven't been able to catch up with my friends..looking at the people around me, so diversified...everyone is choosing to go seperate paths, I can't help but feel depressed by it.. This is what happens when I rely too much on fate..I start to believe in horoscopes...

You are hungry for knowledge. You probably were the type of kid who asked" why?" all the time, much to the frustration of adults. You'll never be the kind of person who blindly follows a fad or tradition. Throughout the course of your life, you may be forced into similar situations. Fortunately, you have the good sense to trust your intuition, even when it defies conventional thought. Your greatest challenge is to persist in asking questions, even if it means challenging authority figures. You need to form opinions on your own terms instead of tacitly accepting the established view, Socializing is your greatest strength as you are a fascinating conversationalist.

Blessed with strong communication skills, you may want to consider working for a newspaper, magazine, or television station. Being a radio talk show host is also a possibility. Teaching gifted children may also appeal to you, as you can appreciate their probing minds. You could also find success as a writer of how-to books, although fiction isn't entirely out of the question for you. Ultimately, you need a job that allows you to share information; you're too outgoing to work in a lonely research lab.

Your home life may be unusual in some way. Perhaps you'll have a job that requires you to live out of a suitcase. Maybe you'll move on a regular basis. You may switch roles with your domestic partner, assuming primary childcare duties if you're a man or being the principal breadwinner if you're a woman. Your household will be anything but average.

Because you are so unique, you need friends who won't feel threatened by your individualism. Quirky Ariens, Geminis, Sagittarians, and Aquarians are among your favorite friends. With regard to romance, you need a partner who has an adventurous, curious mind. You're especially attracted to creative types, and may meet your mate at a cultural event of some kind.

2005-01-24T23:33:00.000+08:00

Perhaps I meant nothing at all, if that is the case, please leave me alone..just alone and alone forever...

title

2005-01-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention.

In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you. You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial. And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive.

You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energyYou posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to defineA natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.

Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

href="What'>http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html">What Kind of Soul Are You?

I have no idea how true this is...

Depression

2005-01-16T17:44:00.000+08:00

There is no other avenue I can express my state of mind except through ballet. Life is becoming increasingly meaningless except my looking forward to my weekly dance classes in desperate desire to lose myself by in an attempt to escape from reality. I've stopped ballet for quite a long period of time due to a torn ligament and interruptions by several issues. Perhaps things would have been different if had I not made took a wrong step. Whatever that was said about no mistakes made and only lessons learnt is a total absolute farce.

Seeking psychiatric help does not appear to bring any improvement, I declare I have tried my best, if not my best, I have put in my efforts. I have no idea how many sleepless nights I experienced nor how many occasions have I burst into uncontrollable temperamental mood changes. I have lost count of the number of times I have cried leaving myself in an unknown dimension.

If I had a choice, I would not choose to hide in this world I created for my own, where there are no emotions, no hard facts, no friends, no love....

Apprasial

2005-01-09T18:16:00.000+08:00

Having post monday morning blues...School is starting again tomorrow, montonous lectures to endure once again..how much of this will I be able to tolerate..

By the way, someone wrote a description of me as below. Anyone bothers with an apprasial???

"A slim woman who walks with confident and proud. She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks. You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dress. She is bright but easily despaired with obstacles. She likes smart guy who will be compatible with her, so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now.

She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expects respect from her love one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain distant. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline. She does not rude behaviour or phrases. She admires intellectual gentlemen.

She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secrets, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin. Do not comment on her on this very picky habits, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier. She appears upon as an innocent angle for sometimes but may be as tough as steel. Even she easily despair, she is not the type to cry over it. She behaves confidently. She only searches for true love, not just any love.

Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She plays sweet talk, but she is unhesitant to say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angel again.

If you have a date with her, you'd better be there on time. Flowers and sweet word will not calm her down. If you want to say sorry make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up events, it could lead you to another world war.

She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money. Do not make she thinks that she is a clown or funny. In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage play and music and likes to criticize about them too.

Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting ffom your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can I think this is true."

sch

2005-01-06T17:15:00.000+08:00

Alright, school term has started, but to the montonous regualar notions of tutorials and lectures.
As least I managed to drive to school smoothly for the past few days, with no accidents. Driving to school is certainly convenient.

I also had my very first psychologyl lecture in my life, well I don't have much to say abt it yet at the moment, everything seemed so abstract, and I do not know if that is my cup of tea yet.

Anyway, that's about it for now, going to start my ballet this saturday after such a long break. Really looking forward to this weekend...

first

2005-01-01T07:07:00.000+08:00

For some reason or another, I woke up exceptionally early this morning. Its pouring heavily outside.
Here I am, snuggling in a couch with soft melancholic music typing my very first entry of this year. It has been such a long time I desire such peaceful solace. Perhaps, it is a good indication of how I should face the new year.
I would be enthusiatic and prepared for any responsibilities.
This is the virgin year where I paced into my 20s, I would learn to be more patience and mature in dealing with problems.
I wish to be happy 24/7 all year round, including facing the lowdowns.
I shall triumph over the battle with depression and anxiety.
I will spare no efforts to improve my relationships with people and learn cherish my family ever better.

Alright, my mother has awaken, I cannot deny she has broken this momentary melancholy and heart-warming moment, but my last resolution is in place....

last day of 2004

2004-12-31T19:48:00.000+08:00

Last day of 2004, live it with no regrets and bearing new resolutions for the year ahead. 2004 has been a mind swirling year for me, with dramatic happenings and memories of both happiness and joy. As I am sitting alone in front of the laptop, reflecting upon 2004, I realised how much I have grown and developed. Maturity is developing and learning the harsh realities of life...
Fell and have grown a bit each time as I injure myself, learnt numerous lessons in the hard way
More life lessons to be be uncovered in 2005...

2004-12-29T21:19:00.000+08:00

cheers to world peace!

2004-12-29T21:17:00.000+08:00

Mom, Joyce and Mich

2004-12-29T21:05:00.000+08:00

at the airport

memories of 2004

2004-12-29T11:50:00.000+08:00

As the new year approaches....some fond memories to be kept...a reminiscence through the past, I don't want to feel as if I am aging once again...

2004-12-29T11:46:00.000+08:00

spice 4 hahaha

2004-12-29T11:45:00.000+08:00

All my ex TKGS Dance partners

2004-12-29T11:44:00.002+08:00

A cut off at Darling Harbour

2004-12-29T11:44:00.001+08:00

Colored version

2004-12-29T11:44:00.000+08:00

Mich and I in Sydney the Rocks

2004-12-29T11:43:00.000+08:00

Dancing sisters

2004-12-29T11:39:00.000+08:00

my psychic sis and me at starbucks

2004-12-29T11:37:00.000+08:00

against the camera with my best friend

2004-12-29T11:36:00.000+08:00

Mom and I on Christmas night

2004-12-29T11:35:00.000+08:00

Michael chewing his ice jelly

2004-12-29T11:33:00.000+08:00

still in straight hair

2004-12-29T11:30:00.000+08:00

Memories of 2004 good and bad times...

2004-12-29T11:27:00.000+08:00

memories of 2004

car accident

2004-12-28T17:41:00.000+08:00

I can't beleive what happened...got into my very first car accident today and damaged the bumper and left headlight...sprained my wrist and a hairline bone crack on my left arm..
so upsetting...
to make things worst off, my parents did not even scold me..they were so worried sick and was trying their best to calm me down and comforting me....
its such a disappointing way to end my school holidays..
oh how I wish it was all a dream...

lalal

2004-12-18T13:47:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how time flies, school hrs are excruciating and long, holidays are enjoable and short....how annoying...
Mich's in town down from Perth, I'm not being a very hospitable hpst, in fact, I think I'm doing quite a bad job showing him around Singapore...
As before, my lethargy still sinks in once in a while, wondering how long will it be beofre I can abandon depression.
Maybe it is all in the mind, but easier said than donw, now just in the processing of learning to enjoy life, although I have so far yet to suceed in appreciating the beauty of this world...
On a lighter note, I am quite relieved about mu exam results, not completely over the clouds but satisfying...

New Entry

2004-12-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

Okay I am lagging really badly updating my blog, anyway, have just returned from Shanghai, visiting my Dad.. Hrmm, I don't really fancy the place and the way of life but already starting to miss my father quite a bit. Anyway, more to come up slightly later, I cannot imagine there are only 2 weeks left for my holidays, I think I'm really aging....

DRIVING

2004-11-29T13:44:00.000+08:00

After all that repetitive notions of practising and cursing of vulgarities, I finally obtained my licence. I just can't wait to venture out on the roads on my own, but that is still some time away. anyway, nothing really matters anymore. At the bottomline, my meticulous efforts paid off and it has been a tormenting test of patience for 4 months. I regard myself as lucky passing the test on the second attempt, and million thanks to the tester who did not issue an immediate failure for me and he could have done so for I was almost on the verge of stopping in the yellow box.
Anyway, that's about it for now and in 2 days, I will be flying off to shanghai to visit my dad, so I supposed I will be back later...

new phone

2004-11-24T13:59:00.000+08:00

After repeated considerations, I have decided to splurge on a new sony Ericsson k500i mobile phone. Well, it wasn't too bad, at least I bought it for 300 bucks trading in my not so old phone...
anyway..that isn't the main point
Today was a horrific day, my driving session turn out to be total disgrace, I am still in disbelief how badly I performed. For many times, the instructor had to jam the breaks and to polish it off nice and sweet, I knocked down a pole during parallel parallel parking as I was coming out of the lot.
At this rate, I see no light in obtaining a licence next coming Monday. Anyway, I'm going on a luncheon with Jas at Ponderosa now, not in for an appetite at all and its a buffet. But that's way out of an excuse, I haven't seen her for ages... and so much catching up to do with a whole cart worth of stories to tell , leave it here for now..sighz...

freedom at last

2004-11-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

The final day has arrived..long awaited freedom and fun waiting ahead..
And yes you got it right, the exams are over, I shan't elaborate on that, I supposed it speaks up for itself, for now although I may say I do not care about the results, as a matter of fact, I do mind very much.
Anyway, my next mission is to pass my driving test which is in one week time.
And I promise I shall pass it...

COMPUTNG

2004-11-17T18:39:00.000+08:00

Tell me what I'm doing now, could you just imagine literally memorising programming codes and how to write Perl??? that goes this way:

#!/usr/bin/perl
$total_aa=0;
$pho_count=0;
@phors= ( "T", "S" "Y")
open (AMINO, "myfile.txt");
$line= ;
$line=;
chop($line);
while ($line ne '''');
{
$line=~s/\s//g;
@amino= split (//,$line);
$aa=scalar (@amino);
$total_aa=$aa+$total_aa;
for ( $i=0; $i;
chop($line);
}
print(" the percentage of amino acid that can be phosphrylated is 100*$pho_count/$total_aa);

and this is just one of it..tell me more abt computing dude..i gotta go now..

Hooray

2004-11-12T20:41:00.000+08:00

Cheers...organic chemistry is finally over, but then again...there are 2 other papers..seemed like I'm running a marathon. The paper was manageable, at least not as difficult as I imagined it to be, but since I had it over and done with, perhaps pondering over it isn't such a good idea after all.
Well for now, I'm satisfied with the papers...but I'm afraid the worst hasn't come lolz..I'm gonna take a long long break tonight...eye bags are developing, not a good sign....

disappointmebt

2004-11-09T21:09:00.000+08:00

If there is one word I can only use to describe how I steer my life now, I can only think of failure........If there are two words, then it would be utter disappointment..

102

2004-11-08T20:40:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my next paper, well I ought to be burrying my head in those books now, but I guess my concentration span is way beyond the limitations to stare at stacks of notes and books for more then 2 hours per day. If only things could have been the same way I price my lecture notes as the television...I think I would have been a scholar...

Perhaps even a philosopher.. judging by the intensity and the amount of energy diverted to the damn tv screen if I had focused all that into my studies. It never fails to amaze me how all these people I label as sages spend their lives contemplating on the most what I regard as trivial in my dictionary. Life would have been more interesting watching discovery channel then deciphering Quantum mechanics, the Schrodinger equation, Gibbs Free Energy Change or even Nuclear Magnetic Resonance.... Nothing else of course beats organic chemists... "nuttists" who would rather sniff their way through carobxylic acids and esters rather then the aroma of coffee, biscotti and Gelato under the sun and breeze....sighz...

Anyway.... I better stop day dreaming... the lecture notes are squealing their way to get my attention...

BS101

2004-11-04T18:00:00.000+08:00

Question of the day?? my first paper today
Q1: What are Europa and Callisto? Why does NASA plan to explore them closely? (5marks)
Q3: Match the subject items on the right to the list of the people on the left (5marks)

Dmitri Mendeleev Photosynthesis
Hans Christian Gram haemophilia
Linus pauling diploid genetics
Fred Sanger periodic table
Queen Victoria PCR
evolution
chemical bond
sequencing
A=t, G=C

In case you are wondering, I am reading biological sciences in the university and not history or aeronuatics..lolz
Well next paper is on Tuesday..more mugging...

EXAMS

2004-11-03T15:44:00.000+08:00

Will be having my first paper tomorrow, but I ain't in a mood for any final revision which isn't a good sign...

Just hoping that some luck will be on my side and nothing major goes wrong, I think I should go back and try to cultivate my concentration for the books, Life isn't that smooth sailing and exams are not the time to be silly and irrational.

Look on the bright side, exams will be over in 17 days.

thats quite a long way though....

Organic Chemistry

2004-11-01T11:18:00.000+08:00

I wish I could say, organic chemistry is peanuts, I wish I could blabber any dodgy mechanism and reactions off within the blink of an eye, I wish I knew what exactly which reagents to be added or removed during product synthesis, sadly I can do nothing of the stuff listed above, so here I am mugging and getting horrified by the amount of work I have to do for this module....

Exams!!!

2004-10-31T17:46:00.000+08:00

OMG.. I can't believe it, my first paper starts on the 4th November which is an impending 3 days time....I don't think I am prepared, well I have tried studying, but at the bottomline, I don't feel prepared. Mugging, breaking, bingeing and panic attacks...It is like a vicious cycle haunting me..Yet I am losing weight. My weight has dropped to an incredulous 39kg. I attribute to massive caffeine doses, serious deprivation of sleep..Nothing surprising but my average sleeping time spans less then 3 hours, I am transforming into a state of senseless insaneness like I said. I don't know what else lies ahead, at least for now, I see some progress in the studying..I think. But time is running short, and OI have absolutely not enough time to be what I categorised as being prepared for the exams, perhpas some luck will do me good, well bye for now..back to my books....

Long long month to endure..

2004-10-26T16:50:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been updating my blog for way too long, its getting defucnt, but somehow, the more things that are happening, the least I have to write about them. I am not exactly good at penning down my thoughts, especially lately, I have been enduring through numerous emotional distressing moments, edging on the verge of a mental breakdown.

The pressure is tremendous, on some nights, sleeplessness, lethargy, fear, stress, every emotion sinks in and penetrates my system; engulfs my mind and drains my energy. I do not want to count the number of sleplessness nights I endured, considering I am on the transform into an insomaniac..Neither do I want to ponder about how often I feel like discarding all the responsibilities I am assuming, the values I hold so firmly onto and the beliefs that have kept me motivated through the journey,, but at the end of day, my conclusion is that I feel like giving up.

All I want is to be away from home, from civilization and return to the most primitive state where life started out as nothing but a huge black hole. Things seemed to be getting more and more pessimistic, I hardly see any light through this long bleak isolated tunnel. It is like walking into a dead end, and already anticipating the consequences but totally helpess about it
I am just praying for all this to be over, but it would be the most beautiful thing in the world if I could enclose in state of peace, solace and ....

Can anyone tell me what is going on

2004-10-18T13:34:00.000+08:00

Too tired to write...so much to do .. but so little time left..I need to reflect upon myself and the attitude I am carrying, things are no longer as beautiful as I have imagine it to be...When things fall short of expectations, it is an arduous task to learn to face the disappoinment,I'm afraid that is a choice made and no more turning back, what should I say...
I think I can only look ahead and endure through it, perhaps with a little bit more resilience...

Diapoointment..but that's life

2004-10-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

Disappointment, but that is just the way life is, learning to accept that things do not always turn out as perfect as we could have wished for...did not manage to pass my driving, in fact, something went terribly wrong and well at least, paying 150 bucks to buy an experience, well for now, I think it is time to concentrate on my studes, aside for the low showdown, I think its time fore some bracing up...

Irritated

2004-10-10T18:25:00.000+08:00

I have just finished writing up my organic chem lab reports. 48 hours worth of tormenting my pathetic brain cells and I could feel my system degenerating away. Two dodgy average 5 pages reports, I cannot imgaine how they would be graded or perhaps they would just end of chucked up in some corner of the lecturer's toilet. I keep submitting endless assignements, lab reports and quizes but nothing seemed to come back. I cannot help but question the validity of this whole grading scheme. Or perhpas all the lecturers and tutors so not give a hell to anything outside thier own framework of reserach. How exasperating...

Anyway, its counting down 24 days to my exams and unfortunately, I have done nothing on revision. Desperation for time, rest, peace and attempts to control by horrid temper bursts seemed to be tearing me apart.

Tomorrow is my driving test, I don't want to imagine the results because that would serve no purpose but provide me with inconcentric hallucinations. What I need is concrete experience, I'm just preparing both the best and worst situations.

By the way, I just had another tempremental outburst..I don't know how much of these nonsensical actions my family needs to tolerate...I'm sorry

Dead tired..

2004-10-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

I know I should be updating, recently too many things have been happening in school and the stress is building up within me. I feel like a disfunctional pressure cooker ready to explode. It is beyond my imagination the complexities of this course and I think for the first time in my life, I feel that studying is a difficult task. I do not mean to sound arrogant, to be honest, but I feel that perhaps school life and academic work has been a smooth transition for me all these years and something that I take pride of. It barely bothered me with exception of a few occasions. However, since I started university here, I am starting to question my intelligence and my ability of understand. It seems to me as if I have yet to master or even grasp any concepts after this nearly half a year of lectures and tutorials.

To make me feel worse, the web page project for computing because of the Unix server and limitations of the network, establishing everything in my home computer turned out to be a complete farce and waste of my time. I had to reconstruct the entire page in school today. I sneaked off during the break for the lecture this morning, and from 10.30am all the way to 5.30pm, my butt was glued to the chair and my eyes to the screen and my fingers to the keyboard and I could fill my hair falling all over the place. By the end of the whole tethering session, the only consolation was that I managed to complete the project. When I was on my way home in the train, my hands and fingers were practically cramped up and trembling when I struggled to send an SMS. How pathetic things can get for me.

Tomorrow will be another tedious day, lab for 3 hours straight from 9.30-12.30 and then driving from 2.30-4.15 in the afternoon. I just hope I don't faint on the way....

School work

2004-09-27T20:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry that I haven't been writing in here for sometime, and if anyone did notice, updates are getting more and more infrequent. Well, quite obviously, it all boggs down to school work that has been piling up, projects and individual assignments that are overwhelming. The worst would be three sets of 6 pages worth of lab reports that are to submitted within the next 3 weeks and additional couple of computational lab drafts to be submitted for grading.

There is something very disorganised about thewhole faculty and the course. Tutors, lecturers and lab demonstrators do not seemed to be interested in their teaching obligations. Alright, I know that they are researchers in the university, but at the bottomline, it would be expected of them to come prepared with the rquired materials for the lessons of the day.

Okay, perhaps I sound overly critical. However, I am still in a state of disbelief from this afternoon's computational lab session. The French tutor cum lecturer had the nerve to type out the instructions and questions to be answered for the day right in front of the peeving eyes of 40 students with the projector turned on.

I would love to hear more proactive learning and interactive participation....

Shopping spree

2004-09-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

My lessons really early today, so I was glad to take some time off to head for a shopping spree. Mom gladly obliged and took half day leave from her work and kept me company. I managed to add quite an extra burden to my clothes wardrobe that is already on the verge of disintegrating. To top up with that, many thanks to Joyce for the lovely tank top as my birthday present.

Sadly, I did not find my ideal pair of shoes. I read somewhere about the philosophy of an ideal pair of shoes. It was about the fact that it is important that everyone would need to own a pair of shoes that they truly adore because this pair of shoes would bring the person to anyone he or she would want to go, even to the edge of Earth or Heaven. Perhaps, I haven't steered in the correct direction, and still cruising around aimlessly in search of an ideal pair of boots to bring me where I want to be.

Today is also Jas's 19th birthday. Coincidentially, our birthdays are only 3 days apartand we share this amzing psychi relantionship. So well, she has joined me to the last teen years and I hope this fantastic friendship and warmth we share will see us through for the many years to come.

For now, I feel slightly more motivated to get some productive work done, so off I am...

Birthday

2004-09-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating my blog for the whole of this week. Basically, I spent my entire recess on driving lessons and well, I did sometime catching up on a bit of schoolwork and writing up lab reports that I have been procrastinating.

It just feels as if I haven't had a good break, but the only rewarding achievement for this recess was probably the fact that I cleared up my room, tided my book shelves and organised my notes. Sounds like a completely unsubstantial thing to do. To be honest, I am not a least bit looking forward to return to my books but all that staying in is developing more unhealthy living habits which would simply add on to my already a millionth length list.

Today is actually my 19th birthday. Somehow, birthdays are no longer occasions that I looked forward to as a child. It somehow becomes just another day under the sun, school and TV. My family has become so segregated because of work, school and many external commitments. I am actually quite surprised that everyone is present today for a simple family dinner. No fancy celebrations, fancy gifts or hoo ha in any form or shape. But I guess simplicity in life itself is a state of epitome after struggling through many storms, I yearn solace. It may sound morbid or as if my outlook towards life has turned pessimistic.

However sadly, things somehow are no longer the same since I packed my bags and left home in search of a new life abroad at 17. I have had a rough time and struggled through a period of emotional disturbance and perhaps on the verge of developing some psychological disorder. I must have encrusted myself in a nutshell, been isolated from much of the outside world and till today, many still tell me I appear aloof and cold on the exterior. I feel as if I have personally constructed a personal barrier and prevented others from walking in, and now, I have become so disabled that I have difficulty in merging in with the so called main stream. I guess today is a time for reflecting and perhaps contemplating on a need for some revolution.

I wonder how many people out there actually take the bother to read my thoughts I am penning it down right at this moment in front of my notebook with gentle melody filling the air and the sound of rain water beating against the glass panels complimenting the nostalgic atmosphere.

Bad day

2004-09-10T13:31:00.000+08:00

I skipped lecture today and still feeling guilty about it. This is the first lecture I skipped since uni started which I thought was an exceptionally remarkable achievement. Anyway, today is the last day of school before my one week break break, so I decided for once to pamper myself with declaring my own early recess. I spent the entire morning trying to write up my report for biophysical chemistry and sadly, it is only completed up to 80%
I will be going for my driving lessons soon and things are now more or less settled since I have already booked for my driving test date in early October. I wished it was earlier but all my peers and everyone who has taken and passed the test were shocked to learn that I took only 2.5 months to obtain the test date and completing all 3 modules. Anyway, I need some relieve some stress and I reckon driving will do some good to my nerves.
Alright, time to fly...

Enough is enough

2004-09-05T23:48:00.000+08:00

I have had enough of sleepless nights and unusual intolerable temper flares. I do not mean to throw tantrums or be labelled as the most unreasonable cynical spinster experiencing an early onset of menopausal mental state of mind. Anyway, I realized updating my blog has been less and less of a frequent ritual. This, I attribute to my busy schedule torn between school and driving lessons and piling up of tutorials as a horrid aftermath effect of procrastination.

I finally completed all my driving modules, something that I do not know if is worth celebrating. I do not deny I am excited of the prospect that the actual driving test is imminent, but the worrying of failure is causing some degree of distress. It may sound ludicrous that I am fretting more over the silly driving test than my school work. But my desperation for the license as I have repeatedly lament is to salvage myself from the pathetic energy draining journey to school every other day. Then again, the ever pragmatic side of me will kick some sense into my mind reminding myself that success does not always come as easily as anyone would wish for. I am mentally prepared for the worst but certainly hoping for the best.

I am so relieved that this week will be the last week of school before a break. I think the short recess will do me some favor in giving time to catch up with whatever I am lagging behind in school and obtaining some serious quality sleep time. Anyway, I think I should be off to do my work, as usual, the weekend was squandered away in front of the TV....

Sleeplessness

2004-09-01T06:08:00.000+08:00

I have been too lazy to update my bloc, the last time I did was 7 days ago. But anyway, today's is the first day of September, a month that is of greater significance to me then any other time of the year. Major turning point of my life occurred during this month. September marked the beginning my arduous journey of life, where I carried the responsibilities of trying to be a good daughter, a good student, a good friend and a successful person in life. I am not sure how much of these obligations have I fulfilled and execute them well, neither could I say that I have gave my best in achieving such a framework of profile.

Sometimes, I would just ponder about the significance of my existence. It sounds like a morbid and skeptical question about life. However, upon close scrutiny, I could count my fingers and toes about things I have truly done for myself ignoring the ramifications. And ironically, I have lost count of how much effort have I put into maintains a well rounded facade or to put it bluntly, doing things because they "politically and morally correct" and deemed "socially acceptable". We have been taught to live for ourselves, to be ourselves, to venture out and show courage to be " the different one". However, in today's almost enclosed and increasingly homogeneous society, leftist inclinations are somehow distorted and degraded to an extent of being eliminated because it is believed to create anarchy.

Anyway, I think this is a period for some reflection and planning. I hope it would escalate my inspiration bring about stronger motivational desires.

Middle of the week??

2004-08-25T09:29:00.000+08:00

Morning lessons were cancelled, but I need to be in school for a lab session later in the afternoon. My muscles still feel the aching and stiffness from the gallivanting about yesterday. Had an extremely long day, was out of the house at 7.30am and back at 9.00pm. I think it was possibly one of the longest period that I stayed away from home with exception of course of the length when I was overseas. Well, it probably isn't a bad thing, that just goes to show how much time I have been spending at home with my family.
I finally managed to complete my module 1 driving, which means a step closer to obtaining my driving licence. Module 2 is purely driving experience on the road and parking. I hope I could complete it in about 4 sessions and I would be almost ready to reserve a test date since module 3 basically consist of revising the 10 different test routes. 10?? Hrmm sounds like quite a lot to me, but anyway, getting a licence is probably my top priority at the moment to salvage myself from the tedious arduous journey to school everyday dragging my energy levels pathetically low.
More updates in school, I cannot help but observe that the typical local undergraduate girls are rather annoying be some degree. I do not want to over generalise all of them. However, those group of stereotypical girls from JC whom gather to gossip about others ot discuss about the latest hair or fashion accessories forming so called cliques in university seemed to add on to my feeling of being isolated. At the best, I could be called different, or otherwise odd. Anyway, it is never easy to ignore such stereotypes, although anyone could easily babble off the famous "just be yourself and don't be bothered by what others think" philosophy. School work is piling up quite significantly. I think I will most probably engross myself in keeping busy, to give my mind no time and energy to be filled with wild ludicrous thoughts.
Time to return to my organic chem notes, I think more mugging for another hour.

Monday?? Depression I don't know

2004-08-22T19:39:00.000+08:00

Dad's packed off to Shanghai again. No one's at home except Mom and the maid. I think I am slowly sinking into depression or a stage of pre-depression. The future filled with bleakness is all within my view. I spent the whole afternoon finishing 2 lab reports that I did last week. Alright, I'm glad I got it over and done with. Today was probably the most productive day of this year. I am tired, my mind is not functioning and my physical state of health is peeving towards degeneration. I cannot control my eating habits nowadays. On some occasions, I would just lose control and binge on nearly every singles morsel of food and after with my stomach stuffed up like a bloated bear, I would starve myself the next few days to be rid of the calorie build up. Seemed like a binge eating disorder to me, oh well at least I do not induce regurgitate.
And my sleeping problems are worrying me. I had less than five hours of sleep over Friday and the weekends. I think I am in avoidance to seek psychiatric help, or perhaps my skepticism toward depending on a third party to deal with such abstract issues are holding me back. I just hope the week to come will see more light and optimism

Sighs

2004-08-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

To be honest, I am running out of ideas on what to write... My moods have been fluctuating rather drastically nowadays and neither do I anticipate for anything ahead with the exception of getting my driving licence as soon as possible. Basically, I am surviving and not thriving. But upon closer scrutiny, I am even started to suspect if surviving is the word, maybe struggling more like it. I feel out of place, I feel being thrust out into wilderness, there is no comfort outside I fear. Perhaps the only consolation is knowing that I find shelter to indulge or engross myself in TV or books at home, basically to be isolated.
People in my faculty form cliques, I have to admit I do not feel comfortable and I definitely do not have any. There are a handful I regularly hang around with but the connection cease to exist. School isn't enjoyable, neither is life. My sleeping disorder seemed to be worsening. I toss and turn till past mid night. Even if I managed to catch a wink before that time, I would wake up at 2am and once or twice every hour there after until I give up trying to sleep by 5am in the morning. Then I would slouch in the couch in front of the TV switching from channel to channel hoping that the boredom would induce some sleepiness. Before I realize what's cooking, its 7am and I would need to get ready for the 2 hours of travelling to school. Popping melatonin pills isn't alleviating the problem, neither is it effective. Maybe I should consult the doctor. I am chronically deprived of undisrupted deep sleep and rest and life needs some revolution, for now, its in a state of anarchy...

Start of the week again

2004-08-16T19:42:00.000+08:00

Its Monday again, had my very first biophysical chemistry lab. Needless to say, it was confusing but not as bad as I expected it to be. Anyway, I had a two hour break today and was lazing around the resource room during the time. I was observing the rest of the people around me and had a sudden realization that the people in the faculty were already forming their own cliques and so much so about the one big family concept that the orientation programmes were trying to instill simply reflects malice irony.
Tomorrow will be pretty relaxing except for the fact that I realised I haven't completed nine essay style tutorial questions, how tragic...
I'm looking forward to Thursday though...there will be no lessons but its simply horrid that I have to go back on Saturday for a lab session, sighz....Anyway, I think I need to get back to settle those darn things...so bye for now.

Color Quiz

2004-08-13T06:07:00.000+08:00

Took the color test from mich's blog, actually I have taken it quite some years back but I think my situation now is different from back then. Anyway, maybe someone else can analyse this from a more objective point of view lolz...

Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Your Stress Sources
Has lost the resilience and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties. Feels overtaxed and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground and still pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity. This subjects her to intolerable pressure from which she wants to escape, but she cannot bring herself to make the necessary decision. As a result she remains firmly involved in the problem and can neither view it objectively nor get rid of it--he cannot leave it alone and feels she will only be at peace when she has reached her objective.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that she is burdened with more than her fair share of problems. However, she sticks to her goals and tries to overcome her difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life. <-- hrmm?? I wouldn't want to comment on that..lolz

Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Your Actual Problem #2
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger

Friday again!

2004-08-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe it is already approaching end of the week. Friday is usually one of my favourite, with only one lecture. But then again, I have to be in school this Saturday for some laboratory safety test which I haven't studied. I barely scanned through the notes and was already getting bored over the first page but I think I need to at least know sufficient content to pass the test. To be honest, I think most of the questions require more common sense than knowledge.

Anyway, biophysical chem is still creating havoc in my school work although I am starting to get used to the fact that its a subject that I will never aspire to ace in lolz...

As a matter of fact, school work is starting to pile up quite substantially and I certainly do not want to lag behind. The remaining four subjects are fortunately quite manageable and relatively easy at this stage but maybe I shouldn't be taking matters too lightly.

But now, I'm quite happy with the way things are proceeding although I do hope to kick the lethargy out of my system as soon as possible. Meanwhile, time to make use of my time to do some reading....

Happy Birthday Singapore

2004-08-10T20:08:00.000+08:00

Singapore is officially 39 years old, a rather youthful country with miraculous achievements given her limited resources. Me, like many other Singapore are proud to be part of this wonderful nation. Anyway, I had a good long break, with only one lecture on Friday, then a public holiday on Monday. Today's schedule was horrendously hectic, but I thought the long weekend did some serious recharging to my system though I did not do a lot of work as I have planned to, which I felt was a shame.

I think I am starting to pick up the momentum of school life once again. Tomorrow schedule is a breeze, only a two hour lecture. Dad will be sending me to school, which is another plus point, I am rescued from the monotonous tedious journey.

Meanwhile, biophysical chemistry is driving me slight berseak, I'm still trying to work out the abstract concepts. Michael is starting to protest we haven't talked for a long time, I guess its not just Mich but all my close friends. My apologies to Joyce, Jasmin, Cheryl, Yen Mei and Sally, I am all so sorry for not catching up with you guys. Especially Jas, our schedules never seemed to coincide, but we will definitely meet up hey!!

Alright, I think that's about it for now, I am hesitating between scanning through my biophysical chem text and watching the new serial, obviously with the latter being favored. Sigh, time to get my butt off the couch I think...

Running low in energy levels....Exhausted..

2004-08-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

Not even the end of the week and I am totally tired out, makes me wonder how long can I persist. I think its probably one of those days where my mood just sinks to the bottom rocks. To begin with, the tutorial in the afternoon was horrendous, totally unfruitful. For the first time, I felt like the most unintelligent creature lying around. I could not grasp a single concept that the tutor was trying to explain. To worsen things off, atrocious French accented English made the tutorial session turn out to be a real flop and total waste of time . Although I wasn't the only one in class feeling the same way, but it was a total spirit dampening hour of the week. As a matter of fact, I was looking around the class facing puzzled faces, wide opened mouths and eyes, some cursing vulgarities under their breathe. Momentarily, I felt totally lost in space and time. Tomorrow, there will only be a 2 hour computing lecture. Think about the fact that I travel 2 hours to school to attend the lesson, then take another 1.5 hour to head back. I don't even know if it is a good thing or bad thing.

Slacking in school

2004-08-04T12:53:00.000+08:00

I'm in campus at the moment, still another 1.5 hrs to squander off before the next lesson. Actually, I don't know what to do now. Life is getting quite boring and monotonous, I have yet to pick up the momentum and the regular routine even when student life sets in again. Everyone else in the faculty is pretty much a stranger to me, I think that sounds quite pathetic. In fact, I think I find myself being alone most of the time. I mean I don't mind sitting alone during lectures but it is quite emotionally demoralizing not to have something to look forward to everyday when I travel to school. I have befriended a couple of classmates and we are going on really well, but I guess such mere acquaintances isn't substantial to suffice in keeping my spirits up. I think I need more time.

Tuesday morning

2004-08-03T06:00:00.000+08:00

Had a terribly disrupted sleep last night, I was waking up almost every hour and by the time it was 5.30am, I could sleep no more. Now, my body is craving for a strong dose of espresso. I have a lecture and a tutorial later, I suspect that I would need a shot of caffeine once every 30 minutes to endure through the sessions.
To make things worst, I will be taking my advanced theory paper for driving in the evening, I do hope I am able to grab some sleep in the afternoon before the test.
The cold ham sandwich my mum made is lying in the freezer. To be honest, it looks rather unappealing. But then again, I ought to be thankful for her efforts. Now, I'm trying to picture chucking that piece of meat between 2 slabs of crusts down my oesophagus. Alright, I know I am horrid. It can't taste that bad,I mean it comprises of love and family warmth which I desired so much after living overseas and away from home fora substanial block of time. I wasn't trying to say that I was deprived of my family's care and concern during that period. As a matter of fact, it was the experience that made me realised how much my parents love me, much more that I could ever imagined, and how dependent I am on them. I think it is time to reflect upon my attitude towards family values and my tendency to take them for granted.

Cheerleading??

2004-07-30T17:09:00.000+08:00

Long awaited weekend is here again, I'm glad. More driving lessons tomorrow as usual, I think my lessons will soon be disrupted. Due to the unorganised and unfixed schedule of my course, I think arranging driving practical lessons on a regular basis will be rather difficult.

I went for the ECA recruitment fair this afternoon and signed up for quite a few activities. For some reason, I decided that it will be better for me to be actively involved in school life instead of slacking my time away. I certainly hope the participation benefits. The cheerleading team and dance sport academy appeals to me the most. I think it is due to my dance background, I decided to still fall back on some activities that are related to it.

Cheerleading doesn't sound my style? Not quite true. As a matter of fact, I'm quite impressed by the acrobatic stunts and gymnastics involved. It is a sport that demands trust and co-ordination. To be honest, I am rather offended by the stigma attached to cheerleaders. Bimbos, flirtatious and sultry are common terms used to describe them but real professional cheerleaders are way above what the stereotype views are. Anyway, I will be going for the trials next week, just hope it goes well. As for the dance sport academy, it probably involves a lot of dancing on competitive levels, a complete eye opener and exhilarating experience I reckon.

Alright, I think I should go off to enjoy my weekend, bye for now....

ZZZZzzzzzzz

2004-07-29T05:54:00.000+08:00

First day of formal lessons begins, for some reason which I do not attribute to excitement, I woke up exceptionally early this morning. I am already feeling a little lethargic but I think I should at least attempt to keep my energy levels high for a kick start. After all, nothing is more important then having a good beginning for this academic year.

The lecture is 9.30pm, for now, I better start thinking of something to do or at least keep my mind occupied till then. A little too early to start getting ready for going out. I'm not in a mood for breakfast, perhaps a cuppa and some newspapers will do the magic. The past 2 days have been spent gallivanting around and basically squandering my time away. Maybe school is a good avenue to keep me steered in the right track and bring some order back into my life.

What a long day

2004-07-26T18:30:00.000+08:00

Today was like a marathon, woke up late in the morning and had to rush to the driving centre. I was supposed to be there 30min before my driving lessons because I needed to apply for a provisional driving licence so that I could drive out of the circuit on to the main road. Well, at least I managed to make it on time. Driving today was exciting, first time since many weeks I was able to leave the silly merry go round circuit and proceed outside. It wasn't as difficult or intimidating as I have been told. As a matter of fact, I was quite proud that nothing much went wrong. After the lesson, I had to go to uni.
The first day of school was smooth. I managed to meet a few classmates and well, the first impression or at least superficially, they seemed like a fun lot be hang around with. We went through the regular notions of being lectured by one dean after another, president, student leaders were busy presenting their speeches. To be honest, I was quite surprised that I didn't fall asleep. Nothing much for the next two days, I do not have to be in school. My official lessons will commence on Thursday, maybe I will have more to comment on by then.
Bye for now, I'm looking forward to dinner.

Hrmmm....

2004-07-25T21:50:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the first day of uni, hope everything goes well and a good beginning will probably be the best confident booster for the remaining of the academic year. Actually, I am starting to regret missing out on the orientation camp since I probably will not see any familiar faces in my course. But then again, I will have the rest of the year to know everyone else and know them well.
To be honest, I do feel a little tired. The lethargy is probably an aftermath effect of staying indoors for too long a period of time but as far as I am concerned, I do not want everything to accelerate from the slumps. Time to keep my spirits up and hope for the best.

Last Weekend

2004-07-24T08:58:00.000+08:00

I supposed this is the last weekend I can idle around. School term commences on Monday. I wouldn't use the word anticipate, neither would I deny that I am feeling a little jittery or perhaps excited about the prospect of returning to books once again. Had a long conversation with Jas over the phone on Thur, I was telling her how difficult it is for me to steer back to track, and my mixed feelings about going back to university once again after taking a huge detour around half the globe. Then we spent the next hour or so discussing about food, calories and fats. Such heart to heart conversations do not come by easily especially when the whole group of us so segregated into different walks of life only sharing a common memory of our old secondary school days. I cherish the telepathy we share and at the same time amazed how how drastically different we are yet common in many aspects.

This weekend will be spent reflecting on many past happenings and of course my driving lessons that seemed to be taking years to complete. I suspect that my desperation and desire for driving sessions is basically a draw of my attention away from all the laziness that set within me after an almost long period of sedentary lifestyle and not to mention the fact that obtaining a licence will allow me to shorten my travelling time. I think it is still quite a long way before I can drive to school, but for now, I shall work towards the goal.

Just for thoughts..

2004-07-21T15:01:00.000+08:00

Just came back from uni, managed to complete the English qualifying entrance test. I think the local system needs some serious revamp, maybe injecting a little flexibility would be a good start. Well, I do not question the standard of Singapore education system and have no qualms about the quality of those peeving their way up the academic ladder. However, the admission criteria for university is too rigid, that is just my two cents worth.

My claim is not mere jealousy of those who went by the conventional path and entered the university smoothly. I do not regret discarding the traditional route that many have taken and advised to me follow. My years spent abroad studying were not exactly the most pleasant I have endured, but they were vital life lessons learnt one after another. Despite the fact that I felt rather degraded initially when I was required by the university to take the Qualifying English Test, I felt a sense of satisfaction when the paper ended. The essay question was about euthanasia, an issue that is of less controversy in Singapore. However, my experience living overseas almost certainly provided me with great insight and depth about the ramifications and arguments over such a practice.

I'm glad it is over, and for now, I think I need a break and indulge myself in a Hershey Sundae Pie.

English Test

2004-07-20T22:27:00.000+08:00

Yet another day out, quite enjoyable and managed to catch a great movoie with Joyce. What bothers me is the English Test I will sit for tomorrow. I am seriously quite tired about the prospect of waking up early tomorrow to travel 1.5 hours back to university, the thought of the travelling already bogged me down with lethargy.

What has to come will come, maybe it will be better to get it over and done with, I just hope everything will proceed smoothly. To be honest, I am not a least bit worried about taking the test, maybe it sounds a little over-confident as I fear I have yet to discard the sense of arrogance within me.

I think it is time I should learn crucial life lessons on humility.

Thoughts of a foodie

2004-07-19T06:50:00.000+08:00

Went for 2 driving lessons over the weekend on the road. Well, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be, but neither was it a wonderful experience. To be honest, I found the instructor rather distracting, talking to be about delifrance and French desserts. Through the entire session, I was desperately trying to master the proper method of controlling the steering wheel, but his quest about gourmet feasts was building up quite a bit of annoyance and exasperation in me. It got me into thinking about the food culture in Singapore. Food is everywhere, eating is a national pastime.

Lee Kwan Yew once said that the secret to success and good well-being is to work twice as hard as you think you could as eat less then you would like to. Perhaps Singapore should start reflecting upon their eating habits. Alright, I am probably not the best person to consult with regards to this issue because my odd eating habits have came under close scrutiny of many. I'm a self-professed health freak chronically staying clear of saturated fats and trans fatty acids. With exception of an occasional indulgence in rich desserts, my diet is mainly composed of leafy vegetables, lean protein sources like beans, legumes and seafood. I count my calories every minute of the day. I can easily babble off the calorie content of most foods and to many, it seemed like a display of obsessive compulsive behavior.

Yes, I am obsessed over my waistline, and I need to change my attitude and odd eating habits....Perhaps sometime later, for now I'm happy with the way things are.

Driving lessons

2004-07-17T07:54:00.000+08:00

Today will be my first driving lesson on the road, I just hope everything goes well. Actually I think I'm getting quite impatient with everything, it seems that the progress is way too slow. I am not excited about the prospect at all, but the thought of the fact that every lesson I endure through is a step nearer to my driving lesson is motivating. Travelling to university by public tansport everyday for 3 hours to and fro isn't exactly a very enjoyable thing to do, it wears me down and by the time I arrive in campus, I feel as if it is time to head back home. Perhaps driving a car would making schooling much less a tormenting schooling experience for me. Honestly speaking, I am probably losing momentum of everything in life now, I think I need to cultivate more self-discipline, I'm afraid it will be a difficult task.

Good Morning everyone..

2004-07-15T08:21:00.000+08:00

For some reason, I was in a serious carbohydrate craving when I woke up this morning, had a piece of kaya bread topped up with coconut shreads and some egg based confenctionary..I can't imagine the amount of calories loaded in the food, but the taste is definitely worth not doing so for once.

I have decided I am getting rather bored at home and my current monotonous and almost stagnant lifestyle isn't doing my physical and mental well-being any good, in fact, suspect that such a sedentary state of life could be rather detrimental to my overall well-being. It is time to consider some serious moving, after all, school will be starting soon, I need to grasp the momentum once again,I guess I wil probably be going out later, whereabouts? I have absoulutely no idea, perhaps I should make a trip down to ntu and learn my way around.Then again, it is pouring heavily now, I am reconsidering the aspects of going outdoors in this wretched weather. To be honest, I think I'm trying to create excuses for myself....

Well that's about it for now, in the mean time, more contemplation of where I should head today.

First entry since long before time

2004-07-14T07:58:00.000+08:00

I decided that my blog needs some serious updating and a major revamp...Anyway, I should discard the old, after all I have detached or tried to emotionally withdraw from a huge segment of my life, it may seemed to many as a regret, but I have promised never to look back.

What malice irony for such life experiences have shaped the person I am today, denying the past would have made me guilty of doing great injustice to the people who have walked in and out over the past two years, I have done my best or at least I think I attempted to.

It will be another 2 weeks before I will be brought back to the right track of life. Right now, life has been quite steered in an unknown direction and squandered. It is time I need to brace myself and reflect upon what I have been through since I left Australia.

Well, time for some soul searching before all is lost to the bustle and hassle of Singapore.....